It all began around September/October of 2020 when my brother messaged me about an idea he had. This is how that message went… Him: Hey, you wanna hike a 13 thousand foot mountain next summer hahaha Me: I’m game!! Where!? Him: Cloud Peak. It’s a 3 day hike. 1 day to base camp, 1 day to summit and come back down, and 1 day to hike out. It’s like 3 miles of boulder hopping I guess. Me: Let’s do it!! I’ve wanted to do an overnight hike but nobody is physically able! It’s legit on my Bucket List! (Followed by a screenshot of my actual Bucket List in Notes on my phone)

It was during that first text thread that my ego began getting sneaky with the reply “I’ve wanted to do an overnight hike but nobody is physically able.” In the beginning stages of planning this adventure, we were not aware of the particulars. We were just excited to do something epic together like when we were kids, at 40 & 45 yrs old. The next months were filled with talks about gear & my brother going to Big Horn Mountains Cloud Peak Wilderness educational talks. We researched the trails, lakes, & other water sources. When discussing the endurance this hike was going to take, I said multiple times that I am in the best shape of my life & had no plans to add extra workouts. (The Ego got thick in those conversations…)

In the beginning stages on planning, it was to be my brother, myself, his fiancé, my husband, my 18 yr old nephew, & 16 yr old niece all going. My husband was going to take photos, my future sister-in-law was going to fish, & my niece had an option to climb the peak or stay behind. My brother, nephew & myself were for sure climbing Cloud Peak! Extenuating circumstances took my husband and my brothers fiancé out of the mix and it was just “The siblings and the siblings!”

A 4 day weekend was scheduled & the last 9 months of prepping & excitement was finally within sight! But first, my brother decided on a trial run with his fiancé on 4th of July weekend to get a feel for what was needed & what wasn’t. When they returned, my brother was a bit more serious. He explained that the trip to the first lake was MUCH harder than he thought. It was an ALL uphill, rocky, root ridden, uneven trail, with major elevation gain quickly. That Ego of mine was 100% in the drivers seat at this point & in all honesty, I spaced out most of the info he was trying to relay. I had the previous 9 months to grow a faulty confidence in myself to do a physical activity I had never done, so there was no talking sense into me. I was too far gone for logic.

The night before our hike finally arrived. My brother & nephew packed our backpacks carefully making sure my niece & I had less weight than they did. My ego again chimed in but thankfully my brother would have none of it! He shut it down by bringing up my previous back injury & how I didn’t need to irritate that in the wilderness. 18 lbs was my limit, end of story. We then looked at maps again, ate our last home cooked meal for 3 days, & attempted to sleep with nerves & excitement running through our systems.

We left the house on the morning of July 30, 2021 and got to the West Tensleep Lake Trailhead around 9 a.m. After throwing our packs on & making any adjustments, we filled out the proper trail paperwork stating we were goin in for the next 2 days. We then took the perfect amount of selfies to document this bucket list event and hit the trial. I had the best intentions to make videos to document this amazing experience! I was pumped & primed to show off my ego in each and everyone. (Of course, I didn’t see it like that at the time. I saw it as me wanting to record this awesome feat I was accomplishing! I’d end it with the tag line of “You can do hard things” to encourage others to step out of their comfort zones & challenge themselves too! But real talk, I for sure believed I’d be flexing my physical ability at 45 yrs old to out perform my younger family members…Ego is a tricky little bitch)

We got a little wet at the 1st creek crossing. The kids & I opted to take our shoes off & cross while my brother found some poles laid across the creek to balance on with his Trek Poles. (Side Note: Trek Poles…Oh how I wish I would have understood the value of those on our trip in. Having convinced myself they were for out of shape people or those who had no balance, I REFUSED my husbands pushing to take ones he bought me. To the point of a squabble that I have apologized for numerous times since!) The 2nd creek had us jumping across. In that moment I had a tiny doubt in my leg strength. I mean, I was carrying a 18 lb pack & I weighed 100 lbs. It was perfectly normal to need to remove it and have a hand to grab when jumping across, right? It was the packs fault, not my legs getting tired already. (Ego will justify things it may see as a threat to it & then tell you what you want to hear so it can take back over) So, I did just that with the help of a friendly hiker from another group holding my pack & my brother offering his hand. “Awesome that others can feel helpful!” was my thinking! I was just tool for them to do a random act of kindness! (Wow…I think this is when the Universe was like “Hold up! She is overdue for a reality check!”)

Here is where it gets real… Pretty quick after that 2nd creek we entered the tree line. An old wooden sign saying “CLOUD PEAK WILDERNESS Big Horn National Forest” was nailed into an old fence on the side of the trial. It was official, we were goin in! The incline was quick & steep from there. The trail was rugged with rocks & an occasional stream of water flowing through it. About 45 mins in my lungs were on fire!! Being a meditation & yoga instructor, breath is my speciality. But not in this moment, not on this day. My heart was pumping to the point I could hear it in my ears. Every time we got to a peak in the trial I prayed someone else would say they needed a break. 3 inclines later I broke, “Ok, I give! I will be the 1st one to say it, I need a moment to catch my breath.” NOBODY talked shit to me, which they could have with all the shit talking I had done in the months leading up to this second. We stepped off the trail and my brother walked over and asked me how I was breathing. A lightbulb came on & I thanked him for reminding me…In through the nose, out through the mouth, not panting like a dog with my mouth open! Then he asks if I am drinking enough. Well, prob not because my fancy 32 oz HydroFlask I HAD to bring was awkward & huge as fuck hanging off my backpack. Unhooking it was a bitch pretty early on & I prob hadn’t drank since the time between creek crossings. He retightens my pack for me & I take a drink.

I leaned against a sweet tree friend to have a pep talk with myself & use the roots to rock the soles of my feet on. Some hikers on their way out pass by offering words of encouragement & explaining that the beauty we are going to see is worth the incline and miles to get there. In my head I think “If you want to be helpful, how about reaching down and taking care of the Charlie horses I have happening in both my feet so I can fucking walk!” But out loud I smiled big and said “I can’t wait! So exciting!” They continued on & I couldn’t help but notice they were all older than me, or appeared to be. My Ego was stung & that hurt worse than the cramps my feet were currently experiencing.

It then became evident that my group was ready to continue & I was so not ready. I already was the 1st to need a break & now everyone will just be waiting on me. I needed to find a way to move forward physically AND mentally. So I dropped it! Right by that friendly tree, I left it! On the side of that rough ass trail I laid it down! MY EGO COULD NOT CONTINUE ON THIS TRAIL WITH ME!! As my brother looked at milage on his map I said in my head “YOU can do hard things. YOU can ask for help. YOU can be tired, weak, & worn out but still move forward. YOU can do hard things!” My brother announced we were almost to Lake Helen. We would rest, eat lunch, and chill there to watch a storm that looked as if it may head our way. I stepped away from the friendly tree and my ego and followed my family members further into the wilderness.

When we reached Lake Helen I was so happy for so many reasons. 1) It was more beautiful than any pictures I had ever seen! 2)There were multiple perfect spots to rest with shade trees and glacier boulders to chill on. 3) The lake was the clearest lake I have ever seen making it like glass with refections of the clouds in the sky above. 4) I got to take that fucking pack off! As I slipped my pack off and placed it against a rock I looked at the 3 humans in front of me and said, “Ok, I am going to be real right now. I’m struggling to keep up. I thought I was in better shape than you guys. I thought I could do this with no exhaustion, no breaks, no help, no anything. I was wrong. I left my ego back there by that tree and I hope you all can forgive me for being so full of myself.” They all smiled & were the exact support I needed in that moment of being vulnerable. My brother explained that I was in shape, I was in Yoga shape. Being in Hiking shape is different just like being in running shape is different. My niece said she was glad I asked for a break and she is happy to stop with me because she needed one back by the tree also. My nephew spoke about how this isn’t just a little trip down the road and the best way to prepare is to do it and then know how to do it better next time. Everyone talked about the different things they were experiencing such as packs sitting too high or low, shoulders being sore, water bottles needing to be in different places, and snacks needing to be in the fanny pack pockets. We decided we could manage the trail in a slow steady pace now that the storm was not in fact heading our way & more resting was fine because we were making awesome time. Just like that I felt not less than, not better than, but equal to the family members who I knew held no hard feelings towards me for being an ego driven crazy woman.

We continued on after our lunch and spectacular lake view rest. We passed glacier fields with boulders from long ago that helped shape this phenomenal area. We came upon Lake Marion that graced us with her crystal clear water, tree filled shores & the perfect spot for the trail to meet her edge. We passed over makeshift bridges crossing dry streams that flow in early summer months. We were surrounded by wildflowers so bright and colorful that not even my phone with the best camera could totally capture their vibrancy. There were butterflies everywhere & Pikas, the most cutest little field animals you will ever see! In the sky there were scary clouds, white fluffy clouds, wispy clouds, clouds turning into bigger clouds, and then…there was the reason we came, Cloud Peak.

As Cloud Peak got closer, more real, and even more huge I thought to myself “No way are you climbing that bitch tomorrow! Not this trip, maybe next time.” I decided shortly before we got to Misty Moon Lake, the popular lake for climbers to set up base camp, that I would be telling my clan that I was cool staying back. I was ok with exploring the huge area that we were in that didn’t require boulder hopping for miles straight up to the sky! Hell, at this point I had ZERO ego left & was actually excited to just hike the easier beautiful terrain we were encompassed in. No disappointment in my mind, heart, soul and definitely not in my body! We topped a small hill that felt like a huge hill and there she was, Misty Moon Lake with Cloud Peak in her choppy, dark watery reflection. I wanted to cry. I wanted to scream. I wanted to dance. But what I did was pull out my phone for a video. In that video I expressed how I had left my ego back at my friend the tree. I spoke about how you don’t know, until you know, how hard of a hike this is. I walked as I talked and showed how beautiful our “home” for the next 2 days was. That hiker on the trail was right, this is for sure worth it! My brother announced he had claimed our dwelling space and we were officially “HOME”. I closed out the video with advice about ego and in my most authentic way. I must admit it felt so good to admit that I had been so wrong.

The late afternoon/evening brought time in the tents due to another storm brewing but thankfully never hit head on. My niece and I shared a 2 person tent which we decided was the castle, while the peasants had tents they slept in on each side of us. (We got no royal treatment from our declaration but that’s ok, we knew who the queens were! Lol) We walked around a little bit, filled water bottles from the lake and filtered it with the filtration setups we each had. We ate dinner and joked around and played as if we were all kids. We told stories and laughed all while looking at Cloud Peak just staring at us like “Come at me bro!”

I spoke up 1st and said I didn’t know if I could get up that peak. It felt good and I felt lighter after saying it. The other 3 said they felt the same but wanted to at least give it a try. Nobody thought they would actually make it up to the top, but were curious about how far they could make it. This seemed reasonable to me. I would have NO ISSUES making it a ways and saying, “Hey guys, this is where it ends for me! I’ll chill here and wait for you or meet you at the bottom.” After all, not only do you have to make it up there, YOU HAVE TO HAVE ENERGY & STRENGTH TO COME DOWN!! So we decided that was the plan, and drifted off to sleep. The weather decided to finally hit us in the middle of the night and prove my brother picked out kick ass tents! (He actually picked out kick ass everything & other campers were asking him where he got our stuff!)

At 6 am July 31, 2021 my niece & I are awakened by the sound of a zipper. Stretching in the most cramped quarters kinda way, we see my brothers face as we rub the sleep from our eyes. He then says, “So, I am making the call that we’re not attempting Cloud Peak this trip. Sit up and take a look.” We slowly sat up, feeling every muscle in our bodies and peered out the tent door. It was then that we TRULY grasped why that giant that called us into our current arrangement, was named Cloud Peak. Gone was the huge mountain that my ego had been built around. Gone was the steep boulder covered slopes that lead to a tiny pyramid of rocks marking the summit. The whole damn mountain was enveloped in white fluffy clouds mixed with daunting grey ones. I was in awe, and to be quite honest, relieved as fuck! I was game the night before to make an attempt but after a night of sleep & feeling my body at that very moment, I would have reverted back to just hiking the area. We knew this was a possibility going in. There is no predicting the weather in there so you kinda just roll with it.

We ate some breakfast, drank some coffee, filled water bottles, & I peed for the first time since leaving the truck!! (Uh, ya…TMI but VERY IMPORTANT! Hydration is pivotal in this situation & I was extremely dehydrated! I celebrated when I finally felt a full bladder! Drinking was my #1 objective moving forward!) My brother & I decided we would take the kids exploring “our way.” Meaning we had no fucking clue where we were going, no idea where we would end up, but we were pretty sure we could find our way back from wherever it was we made it to! We found multiple big rocks that the kids claimed as their own & tunnels in rocks we climber through. We found streams with more wildflowers, & found the waterfall that marks the beginning of the climb up to Cloud Peak. By this time the clouds had moved on & we sat at the waterfall to just take it all in. My brother got soaked trying to get a drink straight from the rushing water & I felt strong enough to climb to the top to just BE.

After filling our bottles with the fabulous water cascading down the rocks we decided to make our way back. My brother & nephew wanted to check out a couple of lakes over the ridge from Misty Moon that held the infamous Golden Trout they both wanted to fish for. My niece & I had no desire to join them so I told her I would invent Restorative Tent Yoga and she was ALL for it! We walked a small trail from the waterfall which landed us on the historical Solitude Trail, that had just turned 100 yrs old! As my niece and I caught up to my brother & nephew, they were perched on rocks that have probably seen a multitude of people attempt to climb the 13,000 ft peak that shadows them. We took a seat on our own rocks and just stared at the one thing that pulled us into the wilderness. We all agreed there is no way a camera can capture the grand scale of Cloud Peak. If you’re not physically there, you just don’t know. Hell, we didn’t know until we knew!

It was then that another lesson in grace & ego was realized. My brother spoke in words that resonated with me deeply. He conveyed that my nephew and him had been talking while waiting for us about how to scale that mountain and make it down and out safe. For us and our level of endurance, it would be one day to get to Misty Moon, one day to rest and recoup, one day to climb up and down, then a 4th to make an exit. Even then, was it something he felt he could do? “I don’t think that’s in my wheelhouse of things I am capable of.” he says. “Maybe 10 yrs ago, less injuries to my body, less beating myself up and I could have done it. But I think it’s too late now and I am ok with that. This wilderness has a shit ton of beauty to explore and peaks that are just as amazing with less boulder hopping. You kids can give it a try in the future but I think it’s past my time.” I could only say “Thank you. I have been looking at it all day and thinking the same, just not in those words.” The kids both agreed they wanted to try in the future and we told them we supported them & would cheer them on from the bottom. We then stood up, took another look, and began our trip back to our makeshift “home”.

The rest of the day was about relaxing. The guys went off to chase the elusive fish they had to catch for a grand slam fishing contest. My niece and I did in fact invent Restorative Tent Yoga & got our muscles to settle. We read, journaled, applied essential oils to blisters, snacked, napped, and chatted about girl stuff, life, & goals. The guys returned having both caught their prize fishes and releasing them back into their natural habitat. We had our last dinner in the wilderness & discussed our trip out. We all collectively agreed that the decline out was going to be much more manageable than the incline in & went to sleep with visions of cheeseburgers and pizza in our heads.

The morning of August 1st we woke up gently. The guys were down at the the glassy Misty Moon Lake that had been very choppy and white capped from the moment we laid eyes on her. They threw in their fly lines and my niece and I refilled our water & stretched trying not to feel some kinda way about those packs that we would be putting on shortly. We spoke about taking our time and the fact that we all know the way out. If us girls needed to move slower, they guys will meet up with us further down the trail. After we were all packed and ready to roll, my last kick to ego came with the request of the “extra” trek poles. Without any snide remarks like, “Oh so you want the tools NOW?” my brother set them up for my height & gave me tips and tricks on how to NOT trip myself with them. I did in fact trip myself the first 45 mins or so. (It happens, we laughed, and I never actually fell! Lol) The trip out was smooth, less strenuous, even more beautiful with out fighting for breath & full of conversation about food! As we passed my friend the tree, I quietly said “Thank You” with tears in my eyes that stayed until we passed the wooden sign announcing we were now leaving the Cloud Peak Wilderness area. Our pace quickened at that moment. We were so focused that my niece & I weren’t even aware we were already to the last creek crossing.

The last mile out we walked in silence on the trail that wound its way through a meadow & back towards West Tensleep Lake. I looked around and reflected A LOT about the last 2 days. Everything felt different in one way or another. The meadow looked different, the air smelled different, the trees were greener, the flowers even seemed brighter. As my niece & I rounded a slight bend through the trees, we are stopped abruptly by my brother & nephew with their fingers to their lips signaling to be quiet. We halt in our tracks & look through the tree line they are gazing through. As if to give us a classic Big Horn Mountains farewell & congratulate us on accomplishing our journey, a very large bull moose stood grazing in a clearing behind the trees. He chewed, took a few steps, leaned down for more grass and chewed some more completely uninterested in us. We stood there in awe of this majestic animal because it doesn’t matter if you have seen a ton of moose, you respectfully admire each one. After some pictures and a short video we continued on until we were once again at the West Tensleep Lake trailhead sign. We had officially completed our adventure & were back in the real world, & on our way to Hardee’s!

It’s been 4 months since entering, experiencing, & exiting The Cloud Peak Wilderness Area. I needed time to fully process the shift in consciousness & BEING that happened in there before sharing the experience through my eyes with others. It broke me mentally & emotionally in all the right places. Leaving my ego next to the friendly tree was the beginning of a process to find the balance of being strong & independent while also being vulnerable enough to ask for help when I need it. Being the first to speak up to take a break has given me the courage to admit when I am feeling weak & I now give myself permission to rest on all levels when I am overwhelmed. The complete compassion and grace that was given to me by my brother, nephew, & niece reminded me to be more empathetic and understanding towards others when they stumble after not taking advice I have given. Even at 45 some lessons need learned by struggling. I have shifted in smaller ways also & as we all do, I fall back to bad habits at times. But just as I did on our bucket list journey the summer of 2021, I adjust, I forgive myself & move on with the strength and confidence of that woman who left her ego next to a friendly tree in the Cloud Peak Wilderness Area of the Big Horn National Forest of Wyoming.

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