On July 13, 2020 I published a blog post titled “Changes”. In that post I did a little reflecting on what the previous 6 months had been like, touched on changes I had made in my new life path that began in Feb 2016, and referenced some less than desirable traits I had carried with me my entire life that I had recognized as toxic or unhealthy. As someone who believes in others changing because I am proof, I felt it is now time to dive deeper into the work that went into that. As an outsider looking in, healing can look really simple and can be viewed as a cake walk. That can give a false perception of the amount of work that goes into doing inner work and can cause some to give up when reality doesn’t match what they assumed.

I feel radical change is glorified on social media and in general articles we read online. It would be great if we could read a simple book and have a life altering reaction that just magically transforms us into the person we envision. It would be awesome if we could download an app that would instantly calm our overactive minds so we could stop the anxiety we feel and make rational decisions. Or if we spend a shit ton of money on that special journal that is embellished and bedazzled, then only write in it for a week or when we need to vent. But that’s not how this works…that’s not at all how it happened for me. Here’s the most abridged version I could muster while still being honest, raw, and completely authentic to my particular story…

To put it bluntly, I was a bitch! I judged everyone for everything. If you looked like crap I assumed you were lazy and didn’t give a shit about your appearance. If your husband got you something nice and you showed me, I thought “What did he do wrong that he’s kissing ass for?” If you told me something secret, I was FOR SURE repeating it to someone else because most of my friends didn’t know each other. If you don’t know the person I am talking about, it isn’t really gossiping, right? (WRONG) If you were looking forward to an exciting event, I would give you a detailed list of all the things that could screw that celebration up. I would give marriage advice to women who would then leave legit unhealthy relationships, as I stayed in my own disaster of a marriage for 20 yrs. I yelled about EVERYTHING, had a “Crazy Kristie” reaction to the smallest issues, and had no compassion for how my actions affected others. Now, that sounds like a horrible person but I kept my toxic traits very well hidden. I was genuine in the support I gave to friends having problems, I was extra helpful when called upon, and I always had the perfect thing to say when they needed advice. Talking to others now, they saw those crummy things I did but just accepted me anyway because they figured “That’s just Kristie” and felt the friendship was more important than calling me out on my shit. (Being honest, some tried and they were almost immediately ejected from my circle)

There were multiple reasons I was the woman above. As I stated in “Friends who are family” I grew up in a small town of 50 people. I heard the bickering and gossip that went on at our kitchen table over coffee. I heard women talk behind another women’s backs, just to see that woman at the table the next day, talking shit on other ones who weren’t there. So, it became my understanding that gossiping was just something women do! I was in a miserable marriage that had some small bright spots. I envied those who had true love and had talked myself into believing everyone else was just as unhappy as I was, and they were faking otherwise. My negativity towards the celebrations others shared in their relationships was a direct reflection of my jealousy and a projection of my misery. My mom was a yeller and we moved when her voice was raised! She too was in an unhappy marriage with my dad and yelling blew off the pressure and frustration she was feeling thinking she was stuck. I became what was modeled for me. I became what I hated as a child. I became someone I didn’t know anymore. I couldn’t see a way out, so I found other ways to cope…

I had a range of medical issues back then. The physical ailment that became a major focus was my back. My emotional and mental state wasn’t helping out due to the fact that stress and anger rests in our lower backs and shoulders. After learning about nerve damage due to multiple falls & disk issues from a physical interaction with my Ex, I was placed with a pain management doctor. He immediately put me on 3 different narcotic pain meds; Oxicontin, Hydrocodone, & Methadone. Those 3 meds had me not giving a shit about being miserable for the next 5 yrs. I saw no issues taking them because they were prescribed & Drs know what they are doing…right? The last year of my marriage I found myself taking them more often than prescribed and in larger amounts than was directed. The day I reached for a pain pill right after a huge explosive fight with my ex and looked at myself in the mirror, I knew this was no way to live. The pain I was feeling was not physical it was emotional. I had been existing & that was no longer an option. These pills were not going to take that pain away & my son wouldn’t find his mom dead due to an “accidental overdose”. Something had to give…

I soon thereafter found Mindfulness thanks to a program we were implementing at the school I was an assistant at. It made so much sense! My mom always wanted me to try meditating but it made no sense to me. I COULD NOT QUIET MY MIND!! Mindfulness taught me that everything I had believed about meditation was false, and I COULD meditate! Which I began doing like clockwork every morning. While in this phase of my life things slowly became less foggy as I sat cross legged on the floor. Different solutions to problems I had felt unfixable, began to present themselves. I was growing HOPE for a life that I could LIVE in, not just exist in. Something was changing in me. Although I didn’t know the science behind it at the time, I definitely liked the calmer feeling I had that lasted until around noon. So I added in a 15 min mindfulness time in my truck during my lunch break and that was a game changer! I carried a notebook with me to journal the things that were just popping into my head. I began seeing solutions instead of roadblocks & began feeling courageous instead of scared. I felt calm instead of anxious and I had more compassion, empathy, and understanding. All the toxic habits of gossiping & negativity began to feel gross. Like I mean throw up in my mouth yucky feeling when I would fall back to those habits. I was changing and refused to go back to anything that resembled the shell I was previously. It was time for this caterpillar to make her chrysalis…

It began slowly as most stages in transformation do. I was mindful of my words and actions, making sure they weren’t harmful to others. I stopped participating in arguments with my ex, because you only fight for what you desire to save. I started to seek out positive female relationships. People who I wanted to be like and wanted to have REAL support from. I was leery of many people as I didn’t know how they would take these changes. See, people get use to you being a certain way and when you want to level up from that, they sometimes take offense and can sabotage that growth without even consciously meaning to do so. I also began to let myself dream and imagine the life I wanted, something I had never allowed myself to do before. I stopped people pleasing which gave me enough courage to stand in my power with my ex husband, which eventually led to the last fight where I expressed I was done trying and MEANT IT!! The cocoon I was slowly wrapping myself in then continued to encompass me as I spent 4 months in a spare room still living with my ex until my apartment would land in my lap. Those 4 months became a huge test of will and determination to turn a new leaf & begin a shift in consciousness. It was then time to seal up that chrysalis and go within… The real work was about to begin.

Look for Part 2 next week! Subscribe to get instant alerts in your email inbox…

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