Part 2 of my series “Who the hell does she think she is?” goes into the relationships I was trying to build while in my cocoon of healing and self discovery. Healing past trauma while still having to live a day to day life as an adult is reality for most of us. It would be nice to go to a private space for as long as needed and dive into your shit, but thats not something most of us are able to do. I was afforded the ability to have a week off for Spring Break to tackle my immediate concern with opioids and during that time, getting away from those pills was my main concern. After that, I was pushed back into the adult world because after all, I was 100% financially responsible for my life for the first time ever.

During this time I really leaned on friends. I had a select group of women who were exactly what I needed. People who understood the path I was taking, understood what I had just left, and was aware of my childhood conditioning. They were also ready to cheer me on at every small step and not let me beat myself up in any slips. You must have cheerleaders! They say “It takes a village to raise a child” and the same can be said about someone who is beginning the path of healing. Having others around you to support you, call you out on your shit, and remind you to laugh and have fun is necessary. If you are beginning this journey I highly recommend thinking about who you want on your team moving forward. Your team can make or break you! Choose wisely!

I stated that it was also during this time that I met my now husband who had his own healing to do. Neither of us had planned on unpacking our baggage so soon after leaving our previous marriages. We legit refused to even label ourselves as being in a relationship until we got married! Haha But there we were, being in love, his 4 kids falling for me more every day, us falling more for each other every day, and 2 BIG FIGURATIVE TRUNKS OF TRAUMA AND BAGGAGE.

If I told you we went directly to healing our pasts I would be lying to you. The problems had slowly built up and were starting to cause issues that couldn’t just be swept under the rug. The rug had a mound under it and my Virgo husband couldn’t handle my inability to have a conversation about said issues. He tried many times but I had ZERO experience in this. I never saw anything other than full on fights growing up and carried that into all my relationships as an adult. The thought of a man and woman in love and DISCUSSING their problems without raised voices and name calling was foreign to me. But I didn’t COMMUNICATE that to him, I just shut down. His trauma then came in to make things interesting and had him believing that my shut down was a sign of infidelity. He then asked for simple things to help him with his trust issues, such as letting him know of my plans. (Not an unreasonable request in a relationship, regardless if we were labeling it as that). I then began to think he was becoming controlling as my ex had and refused. That solidified his previous hunch and was ready to walk out the door. SHIT GOT REAL FAST!!

Mind you, at no point during ANY of the above did either of us communicate our trauma to each other. He didn’t know that I had NO CLUE how to have a talk about issues. I had NO CLUE that a lack in communication is what his ex did during the time she was unfaithful. He had NO CLUE of the extremes my ex went to in order to keep tabs on me. Our baggage was playing off each others and each of our issues were being made worse by the other persons issues. We were BOTH clueless and it took him almost leaving for it to hit ME that I HAD TO START TALKING! When I was slammed with the hard truth that my inability to communicate was a BIG factor in where we were, I immediately broke. Chris being who he is refused to let me take all the blame. In fact, no blame needed to be put on anyone…WHAT? How was that possible? Someone has to be blamed right? Nope! BOTH of our actions got us to where we were. The fact we were talking in that moment was what mattered. In that moment, this rough patch became our biggest blessing.

Moving forward took time & communication DID NOT come easy for me. There was a time I drove to numerous locations in our town to run away from hard shit, only to have him show up. I then found different spots in our apartment building & still have times where I go to the bedroom and close the door. The difference is that I emerge pretty quickly and only use walking away as a tool to calm down, not avoid. My husband is so patient with me on the rare times “17 year old Kristie” comes out. See your emotional maturity stops at the age of trauma. When I am overwhelmed with big feelings or feel attacked I have a tendency to cross my arms, stop talking, roll my eyes, and spit out things I don’t mean. This doesn’t happen as much anymore and when it does, I reign it in fast. This will be something I am always working on, and I am totally ok with that. I’m not responsible for my trauma as a teenager but it IS my duty to heal from it and ensure it doesn’t affect my loved ones!

The year after my surgery was focused a lot around needing to forgive my ex. Not just because of the anger I had reclaimed causing physical issues, but because only through forgiveness can we truly heal. He too didn’t have a positive marriage modeled for him growing up. He was next to the youngest of 7 children and was raised by a single mom who spoke limited english. He had his own traumas and those led to his toxic traits. Only through finding compassion for his circumstances was I able to forgive. Now, forgiveness in NO WAY says the behavior was OK. Forgiveness is also not for the person you are forgiving. In most cases the person who wronged you doesn’t give 2 fucks if you forgive them or not. Forgiveness says “What you did is not ok but it no longer has control over me.” It is a release of sorts to help you put down the hatred that literally is not affecting the other person in any way. In order to do this you must first find the compassion towards the other person and the trauma you may or may not know about, that caused them to be who they turned out to be.

This post shows how important it is to make a commitment to healing your trauma & dropping your toxic traits. I won’t sugar coat the complexity of it all because it’s not helpful to go in thinking it’s a cake walk. I can 100% tell you it’s worth every step you take and every tear you cry. I could have lost the man of my dreams over my issues if I had given up in that moment of watching him open drawers to grab his clothes and leave. When we commit to our healing it helps others heal also. When we pet the effort into personal growth, it helps those around us grow as well. Don’t just embark on this path for yourself, for when you make positive changes they will be mirrored in the world around you!

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