Each awakening brings forward a new version of yourself. Be patient while they introduce themselves.

Complete & total breakdowns are followed by complete & total rebuilds. As you move through an awakening, the things you are forced to let go of can sometimes be accompanied by the most painful feelings you have ever felt. The more we are asked to shed and leave behind is indicative of the amazing changes you will be gifted on the other side of the pain. I’m currently being asked to shed more, release more, and leave behind more than I ever thought possible. Most are material things that are just that, items. What has given the most pain is the dreams once dreamed, the goals almost accomplished, the relationships that have changed, and the understanding that moving forward, nothing is as it once was. At the risk of sounding cryptic due to not giving details of this current awakening, I write this post being as open as I am able to in this moment. I feel it is important to be honest about how hard it is to move through change and show that all those uncomfortable feelings are normal and we ALL feel them. It doesn’t matter how many tools you have in your toolbox, a metamorphosis is a bitch & not everyone will accept the new version you become. Here is where I am currently…

The new me hasn’t fully introduced herself yet. She is waiting in the shadows for me to be ready for her. She is not very trusting. She is a more guarded version of the person I was who trusted everyone with everything and believed good always wins, and the truth sets everyone free. These are not bad beliefs to have but if you’re living with your head too far in the clouds, you may be in for a shock when life isn’t fair. This more cautious version has closed off her heart to hurt so we will need to open that up when she is ready. In the small moments I become her I feel the walls built already and do my best to make sure the are temporary. I understand they are needed now, but they won’t always be.

This new version of me seems more serious and less playful. Big adult trauma has impacted her and dimmed her childlike spirit. This more serious version will come in handy to make critical decisions about my life path and how I plan to move forward working strictly online and bringing income into our lives. She will plan days of meaningful work, and help put a money saving plan into place. She will also be good in a crisis, should one emerge, and be more helpful that the emotional version I am now. She will also have the confidence to share her skills with others in pop up yoga classes in beautiful areas with those who may not get the chance to try yoga. She will shine with knowledge and attract the right people to her.

The woman who waits to emerge is passionate about her truth being told, her voice being heard, & her words helping others. She knows that now is not the time to be loud. Now is the time to listen, watch, and observe. She knows many will be surprised by her revelations, her voice may not resonate with everyone, and her words at times will fall on deaf ears. She fully understands that when you have not lived someones experience, you can’t begin to understand how it has shaped them. When others criticize the choices & decisions she makes, she will know that there is no way for them to understand, as they have not lived her trauma and walked through her experiences. She will not explain, for that is not her job.

The woman who is growing in the background has let some passions go and will need new passions to replace the old. These were passions she has had for a lifetime so she is currently grieving them. She is grieving a lot right now and as with a physical death, this process will be allowed to play out in its own time and way. Slowly sunshine will be welcomed and new passions will be realized. Healing will come when the possibility of more hurt isn’t a danger to her and she can fully move through this stage of awakening.

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The woman I currently am is so excited to fully meet and embrace the new version of me. I see the above traits when I lower my guard for a peek of what the future may hold and know there is going to be so much more to me than what I can see now. I am not ready for her yet tho and she is not ready for me. I am still letting things fall away, picking old habits back up just to drop them again, and building up my mental health with the plans I have outlined in a previous post. It is not time to meet the new me yet because the old me has some business to settle.

I look forward to using my throat chakra to talk about truths that have been realized. As I navigate this current awakening and traumatic situation I have been fed many untrue stories that my mind has latched onto as truth. I am once again wading a system that has no cares for the people it destroys as it stands on a pillar of righteousness, claiming to protect the vulnerable. Yet the vulnerable are hurt far more often than helped. Similar to the system that broke my mental health in the 2020/2021 school year, this system too is untouchable. I am finding the lessons in this and how strength will come from speaking out, not retaliations or law suits. I will educate the collective because the systems will fall without me. It’s written in the stars…

Time is irrelevant as I move through the mud of what once was, what is, and move toward the life that will be. There are many things to be done, and nothing that can be done all at the same time. An existence of oxymorons has become the norm. Wanting some close, yet at the same time wanting miles of distance. Hoping for conclusions, but scared of endings. Wanting immediate change, yet scared to leave the comfortable. Desiring to be held, yet not wanting to be touched. This is what an anxiety fill awakening is like and as I have stated before, they aren’t pretty. I will never sugar coat the hard shit when it comes to you journey, but I will hold your hand as you navigate it. After all, by reading the words I need to get out in this blog, you’re holding my hand, spending your energy on me, and holding space. It isn’t all pretty but it is always worth it on the other side.

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To My Future Self, Hi there. I have seen you around but I think you’re too shy to talk right now, so I am writing you a letter. You know me, I mean you were me at one point. I just wanted to say that I love you. I love you for what you endured, for what your changing into, and your strength. It wasn’t easy doing what you did and you faced a lot of judgement from those who didn’t walk in your shoes. You learned the true meaning of support by the ones who showed compassion, even if they didn’t understand. You are going to be facing an entirely new path that was unplanned. I know that is scary but you NEED to relax and let things not in your control just BE. I am currently struggling with that and hope by the time we meet, we will both have a better handle in it. You need to give yourself permission to smile, be silly, and have fun. You have no reason to punish yourself and have done nothing wrong to warrant making yourself miserable. The lies that were forced upon you had no merit and they must not be allowed to live in your mind. You will get to tell your truth and introduce this new you when the time is right. When that happens you must let the chips fall where they may and take on no negativity. Again, others have not lived your experience and can not be expected to comprehend where your heart sits. I have a lot to do before I am ready to meet you but when I do, I think it will be a memorable experience. There will be lots of tears, deep breaths of relief, and a more optimistic view of the future! I predict a celebration for whats to come as well as honoring what once was. I look forward to this and until then, feel free to show yourself every now and then so I am reminded your waiting. Love, Me (You)

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