I am constantly working on myself, because sometimes I am the problem…It’s called accountability!

So I am a lifelong learner. I am curious about what makes humans tick, how they manage life on this flying rock, why they respond to situations the way they do, and how they bounce back after challenge. I am in awe at how some seem to navigate through situations that should have destroyed them with ease, yet others let the smallest events defeat them immediately. I do constant inner work on myself so I can identify the faults I have that may affect others in their human experience. As I said in my previous post, hurt people don’t have to hurt others. That all goes back to the inner shadow work we do on ourselves so we don’t spread our trauma.

So let’s talk about the toxic traits we NEED to see we have. I have noticed that more times than not, when I am the issue in a difficult situation, my actions derived from a toxic trait that I have used as a defense to deal with my trauma. When that defense has been used over and over again it becomes a habit that is no longer used for self preservation, it becomes a tool to hurt others when I feel I have lost power. Example: Hubby and I have different ways of doing something. He shows me how his way is the better way and I see it actually is. BUT, I have spent so much time trying to convince him my way is better that I can’t “loose”. So I then bring up my ex and how I never got to do things my way and was always told I am wrong. (see the manipulation there) Eventually we do things my way and then I slowly bring up reasons why his way might actually work better. I still “win” because in my mind, it was MY decision to change how we did things. Now, was I always aware of me doing this? NO WAY! I would never intentionally manipulate or gaslight my husband. Here is the kicker tho, I did begin to notice this pattern of not giving in when his way was actually better. It didn’t make sense to me why I would fight that. It was then that I dug into my shadow side and got the BIG REVELATION of what I was doing. I shared my findings with my husband and apologized. I have taken huge steps to not do that anymore and he has shown me grace when I slip and revert back to old ways. I WAS THE PROBLEM & WAS ACCOUNTABLE FOR THE FIX!

Now in the above example it would have been so easy to shift blame to my ex husband and the behaviors he had which caused me to feel as if my ideas were never good enough. I could have then stayed the victim and continued to be the problem each and every time my now husband and I had a conflict revolving over his way vs my way. Eventually my now husband would feel as if he wasn’t seen and heard and would feel inadequate just as I had with my ex. This is exactly how it goes for many because, 1) They have no idea they are spreading their trauma. 2) They are aware they have an issue but unwilling to dive into it. Or 3) They feel they are justified to be the way they are because they didn’t ask for the trauma that caused their behavior. I am sure there are also many other reasons why we do this depending on our life experiences, upbringing etc. These 3 reasons are what I mostly see and are most common in those I work with. Regardless of the reason, accountability for THEIR behavior just isn’t there. So how can we work on that?

Reason 1, you don’t even know you have an issue. So we are all guilty of the thought pattern that if it suits you and gets you your way, there is nothing to “fix”. This is shitty because you are literally ONLY thinking about yourself and not mindful of how your actions or words affect those around you. If you are oblivious to your BS it is because nobody is brave enough to call you out on it, or they just immediately cave to your antics so there is no conflict. BUT I am willing to bet that if you had the courage to have a conversation with someone close to you, they would be able to give you suggestions to work on. I say “Courage” because it takes a brave soul to open yourself up to hearing less than desirable traits others see in you. You can’t get mad at them, or even yourself for having the traits. It will feel shitty at first and that is a good sign! It means you DO have empathy for how your actions affect others, you just weren’t aware how until now! Take those suggestions and make changes! Ask the hard questions and take responsibility for the part you play in less than desirable interactions others have with you. Take the steps needed to no longer be part of the problem.

Reason 2, knowing you have an issue but not willing to work on it. Ok, so I get that it SUCKS to admit we have an issue. I get that when it comes to changing habits it means a lot of work and a lot of self reflection. I also get that when we do this it is easy as hell to beat the crap out of ourselves for being shitty. But do you want to know what is worse than all of that? Knowing for a damn fact that your actions affect others in a negative way, but being unwilling to change your shit behavior because “it’s too hard”. Or the classic “At least I admit I have an issue” as if that makes you more evolved than if you were clueless. Ummm, no bro! Knowing you have an issue yet being too lazy to do the work to be a better human being actually makes you the worst kind of human being. I am really direct with these types and tell them that this way of thinking is very narcissistic and selfish. If you are truly on a path to be better, you MUST do the work that you recognize needs done. Take that deep dive and face your shit because more times than not, this type is FOR SURE the problem!

Reason 3, believing you’re justified in your negative behaviors because someone damaged you and you didn’t ask for that trauma. I really want to be sensitive with this one but I can’t. I can’t because this was me and it took a long mean conversation with myself & multiple times of hurting others to pull myself from this thought pattern. Do you know how easy it is to stay the vicim? Do you know how much attention you get by staying one? Let’s not even talk about how everyone makes excuses for you and bows to your every need. I personally was hard pressed on deciding if changes even needed made. I mean, I got my way, everyone coddled me, I was given excuses, & nobody judged me because “She is just doing that because of her past. She can’t help it.” Then a look on my now husbands face caught my eye. I asked him what was wrong and he was straight with me in a coddling way… “I understand when I raise my voice it brings up feelings from your past and I make efforts to not yell. That gets hard when you yell and thats ok, but when I match your volume, that isn’t ok. Do you see how uneven that makes the playing field? How about NEITHER of us yells?” Until that moment I felt justified in my stance of “No Yelling” because of my trauma. I had also made excuses for when I yelled by way of explaining how I was never heard with my ex. My husbands expressions and words made me see that I was just taking my trauma and spreading it, making me no better than my ex. It for sure sucked hearing this from the love of my life but it sucked worse knowing how badly I made him feel. I now make conscious efforts to not spread my trauma and instead, work on it!! In this instance, I WAS THE PROBLEM!

I understand that I am making this sound like you can just make a decision and changes are made. Sometimes just noticing you have a problem is the thing needed to make changes. You find yourself in that familiar situation and make conscious choices to not do the toxic thing. It is AWESOME when this happens! That isn’t always the case tho. You may need help from someone to ask you those hard questions, make you accountable to do the healing needed, and keep you from kicking your own ass for having this negative trait you’re trying to change. That doesn’t make you a failure when you need help. The act of reaching out for help actually shows a huge desire for real and lasting change and is a gift for yourself and the people around you. There are many of us out here who have been there and done that with services to help others with what we have learned! Ask for help if you’re struggling and invest money in help from someone who has made it through the struggle. There is no shame in needing help and I have paid many coaches in my journey. It was once said to me that people have no issues paying Drs hundreds of dollars for a quick fix pill that doesn’t fix a problem, but they won’t pay healers and guides to get to the root of issues. That made an impact on me and as I fall further and further away from western medicines way of putting band-aides on problems, I have no issues paying healers for their intuitive skills. Please don’t view needing help as a negative thing!

The important thing to take away from all of this is that sometimes, YOU ARE THE PROBLEM! It is about looking at yourself and being a constant work in progress, so you are more open to making the changes needed. It is about not always passing the blame to people or situations and instead, taking a look at ourselves and what can be healed within. It is about being completely aware of how we contribute to constant difficult interactions, and changing the way we move into them in the future. When we are willing to be the part of solutions, others will see the difference in their interactions with you. If they too contribute to issues they may be more willing to look at themselves! (It is literal magic when you can help others by simply healing yourself.) How can you begin working today to ensure YOU are not part of the problem?

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