Disappointment is a feeling ALL of us experience & it can’t be avoided. Although it is almost always caused by the actions of outside forces, lashing out keeps us stuck and not moving forward. Let’s seek healthier ways to deal with this hard emotion.
Recently I was in the position where I had to disappoint someone. I had said previously, when an idea was brought to me, that I didn’t feel it would be something that was doable because there were too many unknown factors at the time that needed considered. A few months later, there are more unknown factors and financially it would be a very bad idea that could put us in a very tough spot. I am not sure of the first conversation was totally heard due to the excitement behind the idea. When I had no choice but to say “I am sorry but it is just not something we can do right after moving and heading into winter with unknown costs” the frustration was real, the attitude was strong, and the disappointment was huge. The conversation ended with what felt like a guilt trip for me for making a responsible decision and shitty hurtful digs on this new RV Life I am living and have always dreamed of.
When we feel disappointment it really confuses our emotional state and our mental state. Like, am I pissed? Am I sad? What is this that I am feeling? We can find ourselves immediately lashing out because deep down, we’re hurt. Heartbreak is as close to disappointment you can get and we all know how shitty that feels. Physically our tummies may feel twisted, we more than likely shed some tears, our hearts race because what we thought was happening isn’t happening and so now it feels like nothing will happen ever again. We jump to extremes and ending type narratives which cause us to loose hope in anything we had been excited about.
The situation above surrounded an idea to fly to an area that is not close to me, and me drive there. I live in a new area, no clue about weather, and money is tight. We have one truck, missing work for 1 day sick cost my husband over $100 so time taken off work isn’t feasible. Although ALL these very valid reasons were expressed, an immediate jump to “I will see you when I see you I guess and that probably won’t ever happen again.” was the response. WOW! Thats quite the big extreme, but understandable when you know how the emotional system works, so I took NOTHING that was said to heart. I did on the other hand think about the feeling of disappointment as I was expressing that they had full rights to feel that way and should allow themselves to feel all of it. That being said, being shitty to me wasn’t going to help them through it. I then expressed how I have dealt with disappointment for a road map to possibly help, which led to the idea for this blog.
As I stated above, this is an emotion NONE of us will escape feeling at one point or another in our lives. In my experience disappointment, although hard as fuck to experience, has almost ALWAYS set me up for something better or kept me from regret. In the case above, if I had just decided to break us and said yes, I would have for sure enjoyed the quality time and activities involved BUT when I am sitting in a cold RV because there was no money left for propane, the regrets would come. At that point we’re are talking basic survival needs and I would have beat myself up for making an irresponsible financial decision that broke us. There is also the fact that the feeling of disappointment could turn into relief if the other person ends up with a financial predicament they were not expecting. The disappointment turns into gratitude eventually, we just don’t know what will bring the gratitude at the time or if it will even have anything to do with us.
I think with age and experience, I have learned to embrace disappointment and the feeling of being let down. Weird, I know, but it has helped me move on from it so much faster. I KNOW there is something better coming or I am being “saved” from something I wasn’t suppose to do. How do I know? Because that is the way it has ALWAYS worked out. Relationships ending brought me to healthier relationships. Jobs falling through opened doors for better jobs. Moving falling through saved us from being in an area who’s crime rate jumped at the exact time we would have been unpacking. Travel plans not going right have saved us from horrible crashes or nasty weather. Money not coming when expected stopped me from making purchases that would have been the wrong purchase, giving us time to research and find the correct thing moments before the money finally arrives. Someone not doing what I thought they would and letting me down, made room for someone else to do what I needed cheaper and better. Plans going south with friends avoided the wrong people being in the same room who don’t vibe AT ALL. The list goes on and on how many times I have found gratitude after disappointment.
Now do not expect to jump from feeling let down and being disappointed to feelings of gratitude in moments. It doesn’t work like that and if you follow me at all you know I am transparent that there is a process to EVERYTHING! The amount of time depends on your desire to do the actions and work required. If your choose to be stuck in the anger and hurt and have no intentions of moving past it, that is where you will stay stuck. Although it baffles me why anyone would choose to stew in feelings of heartbreak, but oddly those people exist. Personally, I know hard feelings are a part of life but that being said, I would rather feel what needs felt and move onto joy to support my mental, emotional, spiritual, and physical health.
How do I do that? Well let me share my roadmap of sorts with you and explain my personal process. You can add or change things if you like but this is usually how it goes for me. When hit with disappointing news I quickly feel my heart and stomach sink. I think about what I am not going to get to do/experience and usually, I try to find a work around or “fix”. This is normal, although I keep these thoughts to myself. I already know that the person giving the disappointing news probably HATED being the barer of bad news and if I am shooting off “fixes” it will just make them feel worse. I NEVER intend on hurting someone especially if their intentions were not to hurt but just inform. I then fully experience the hurt. If that means venting into a journal or a trusted friend, crying into a pillow, going for a walk to actively release, or even listen to some music that fits my feelings. I feel it until real emotions come out. I then think about who or what I am made at. Am I feeling like this because a person let me down or circumstances in their life beyond their control let me down. If it is my life circumstances that caused the disappointment, did I cause them or did it just happen that way and I had no control? Nine out of ten times you will find that there was no control and this was just the way the cookie crumbled, which brings the deeper thinking.
Being a firm believer the Universe alway has my best interests in mind, I think what could be the reason behind things not working out how I had hoped. Case in point, moving to Tennessee. I was SO HEARTBROKEN! I firmly believe, to this day, we were meant to be in the South East. I had visions in guided meditations and the vibes there feel like home! The circumstances leading to us not going forward with it were totally out of our control and we did NOTHING to cause them. I felt deeply and strongly, then I moved to the big picture. At that time, 2 months before we had planned to be unpacking in Chattanooga weather forecasts for the coming summer began to emerge. It was going to be a wet summer in the south. Buckets of rain wouldn’t be fun to move in and we planned to go from moving truck to storage, finding a place to rent, then storage to moving truck to unloading at our rental. Doing that in rain sounded less than fun. As time went on and the time came where we would have landed there, shootings and crime skyrocketed in exact areas I had planned to frequent to network myself and find friends with things in common. It was easily seen that I could have found myself and my 23 yr old in a bad situation being in the exact area where these shootings were happening. At that moment I found the gratitude, 2 months after the disappointment. Full Time RV Life had already been decided by this time and sitting here in Northern Arizona I frequently think “I am so glad Tennessee fell through because THIS is what I needed and THIS is what I always dreamed of but didn’t know how to make it happen.”
In my roadmap there is no lashing out at others who already probably feel like shit. There is no trying to fight it or fix it to what I desire, as I work with the knowledge of experience that disappointment is prepping me or saving me. (That shift in mindset automatically makes it true! Read my blog of Shifting Mindset here: Shifting Outlook ) I feel the feelings because they are valid but then when I am done, I’m moving forward because I like the feeling of joy more than I do hurt. As I said, this is a process and can go pretty quickly if it isn’t deep disappointment (You missed an event you were looking forward to) or it may take time. That deep deep pain and anger should and will lesson quicker the faster you feel it and let it go.
It’s your turn now. Look back at all the times you were let down. Did it prepare you for something else? Did it stop you from having regrets? Have you ever thought “Thank goodness that didn’t actually work out because I wouldn’t have this!” Be very reflective and honest with your experience and I am willing to bet more times than not, the thing that caused your heart to break ended up being a blessing and you can’t even resonate with the disappointed feeling over it anymore. This is part of the human emotional cycle we all experience and my hope is that my having no choice but to deliver disappointing news, has led to YOU being able to handle the feeling in more healthier way that brings you through it quicker.
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