This is the question I have asked myself many times over the years when I found myself in less than high vibe circumstances, as many do. Your tired from a long day and you drop into bed physically exhausted and mentally spinning. “What am I doing? Is this it? Is this what life looks like?” It’s defeating to be in that headspace, but how you answer the question is key…”Is this it?”.

NO! My first marriage (I call my practice marriage) was at 18 yrs old. He worked out of town when he did have a job and I stayed home and partied. When he was home we partied harder. If there wasn’t room for the beer in the fridge, the food went. Crazy nights of loud music and blackouts, pretending to be adults when we were clueless, and often broke as we blew money on everything besides basic needs. I was always tiny but 86 lbs was my low during that period. Strong coffee and mini thins fueled me all day and tequila and Bud Light was my dinner. After I was given proof that my then husband had been sneaking around with a gal he met in another town, I had a raging party and the trailer got trashed. As I picked up the next morning WAY MORE than I usually had to pick up, I said out loud to my friend “Is this it? Is this what my life is going to always be?” She shrugged and took the trash out. I called my mom and asked her to come with the horse trailer. I was leaving. THIS WAS NOT IT!

My second marriage has been covered in other posts, so I don’t feel the need to go into details except to say NEITHER of us were happy. We fought a lot, I couldn’t be myself, he had a low self esteem making him very controlling, I had long quite trying to make things better or please him in any way, and he seemed happier when he was leaving the house than when he was walking in the door. We both were in denial for years and just wanted our kid to have 2 parents in the home. After 4 months of a separation and another year back together, shit started to get unbearable. Kind words or just regular conversations had long faded and everything was a fight. The last blow out, as I saw my tears in the reflection of my toaster I said to myself, “Is this it?” NO! In that moment I grabbed a blanket from the bed and moved into our spare room. The marriage was done in that second. I wasn’t changing my mind.

I continued working and was so thankful I had even gotten the job at my sons elementary school when he was in 4th grade. I had volunteered for years to be able to get out of the house and was now a seasoned member of the staff. My bills were always paid and I always was taken care of. Even when my now husband and I got married, I paid my own way. He understood my need for this control due to my past relationships, but always made it clear that if I needed him, he was there. I could have been in a really hard place if it wasn’t for the career I had built and was beyond thankful. Then I began seeing things. Shady things. Lies from people in charge that never step foot in the schools. Lies saying everyone is equal, sprinkled with policy that CLEARLY created division. Gossip, lack of transparency, students data being the ONLY focus and then COVID hit. I loved lockdown so much that I never wanted it to end. It was in meditations during that time an old question crept in “Is this it? Can you stay in a system and keep being part of the problem?” NO! But this time it was more complex. This was MONEY and money is needed to live. I couldn’t just quit. I needed a plan.

The 2020/2021 school year began and to say that was the WORST year in my 15 yrs with the School District would be a gross understatement. I am not sure who forgot how to be “in person” at school more, the kids or the adults. In October when staff was sent an “Enhanced Retirement Notification Offer” email and I saw a bonus of $10,000 if you chose to retire at the end of the school year, I saw my chance. THIS WAS MY NO! NO to stress, NO to being a part of the problem, NO to a broken system, NO NO NO! I immediately gathered the required papers from the main office and checked “YES” to retire early. I said YES to MY family, YES to my mental health, YES to a cushion until I figured out next steps, and YES to the life that eventually led to right now.

I got my BIG YES by saying BIG NO’S that forced me into uncomfortable places I didn’t have a plan in, but knew what I was saying NO to was never the plan. When you have these little conversations with yourself and you ask yourself the hard “Is this it?” questions, the answer is almost always NO. You are not a tree! You can move, change your situation, make different choices, stop unhealthy patterns, and put yourself in a better place. Your options are only limited by your mindset and how willing you are to step into the unknown or unfamiliar.

So if your feeling down, drained, depressed, and unaligned in life I have one question for you… Is this it?