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In Part 1 of my blog series “Who the hell does she think she is?” I outlined the traits I had noticed were unhealthy not just for myself but for those around me. I labeled those specific traits as a starting point for things I needed to change. I also stated that my friends didn’t call me out on these due to fear of loosing the friendship and the ones that did had their fears substantiated.

So, how did I do it then? Well, I immediately went to the feedback given by those very friends who I had booted off my island of denial. Other peoples observations concerning our actions is a good place to start when wanting to make changes. I usually steer clear of others judgments but when first starting to look at your behavior, an outside view may be just what you need. You can pick through the critique and find what are just judgements (Ex: You wear too much makeup) and what is actually constructive criticism (Ex: Do you realize you rarely have nice things to say about others?). You can also feel when you’re being shitty if you pay attention to your reactions closely. When doing this, I was usually meditating and had my journal handy for any insights I would gain. You can do this at anytime, just be prepared to jot down your revelations. (Writing helps you own your actions and be accountable for them)

IMPORTANT!! This is not a “Beat yourself up” session!! The list you have compiled of negative traits does not give you free rein to go down a hole of defeat and self loathing! That list your looking at is a celebration! You have recognized changes you want to make and you’re taking responsibility for them. Thats a huge accomplishment! Give yourself some grace in this step. You may find yourself actually talking to friends and asking them for feedback. This takes courage and bravery to listen to your friends tell you things about yourself that don’t paint you in the best light. Be mindful about your reactions here and only look at this as feedback. You don’t have to agree or disagree, you just need to listen and take note.

Looking at your list, does anything on it require an apology to someone specific? If so, write a separate list of people to apologize to. Apologies are personal and hard. I found it best to tackle them right away because then others would see that I am making changes and am serious about them. Remember an apology is much more than “I’m sorry.” In order for the other person to really feel your remorse you must label what you did, why it wasn’t ok, and how you plan to make it better or do better. (Ex: I’m sorry I always deflate your excitement with my negativity when you have good news. I should be more honored you are sharing with me. In the future I will be more celebratory and share in your happiness!) THEN DO WHAT YOU SAY YOU WILL DO FROM THAT MOMENT FORWARD!! Steer clear of the reason why you were an asshole. It comes off as making excuses, which is exactly what it is, and degrades the apology to make it about you and not them.

Now let’s look at the rest of that list. What habits, traits, or antics that you don’t desire to move forward with are something you can be mindful of this week? Choose just ONE to begin with and to focus on. Start with something simple that is manageable. Mine was not airing all my problems on social media. I was HORRIBLE about it and not one problem was solved from posting about it! I began a new page and wrote “I WILL NOT BITCH ON FACEBOOK” on the top. I then wrote one sentence each day about how that went or a few sentences about what had me frustrated about it. I learned that having others validate my bitching and join in gave me a sense of belonging. I then searched for that in more positive ways by spending time with friends and feeling a sense of belonging with physical people. I would talk my problems out with them & get much better results than my FB vents ever gave me.

After starting and working on the simplest of changes you can slowly make your way through your list. There is NO TIME LIMIT on any one thing and you may find you’re working on some for years. IF you feel you have completely mastered something (Ex: Stop smoking) cross that sucker off!! If you feel you’re able to manage a habit more times than not, put a check mark by it! It helped me to have a visual of what I was 100% good on and what I still needed to work on at times. I journaled my heart out in this beginning phase of change and recommend you do the same. If your dealing with heavy issues your journal can be your best friend. It can be a plain notebook that you can keep with you, a notes app on your phone, or a hard covered book with a nice saying on the front. You just need blank pages to write on, fancy isn’t required.

This phase of growth towards a happier and healthier life is where many give up. It’s not easy to take a long look at yourself and all your bullshit, and it’s not fun to see how your actions may have impacted others in a negative way. Thats because of our natural human instinct to immediately start punishing ourselves for things we did BEFORE we recognized them as toxic or negative. It was also BEFORE we made the decision to make positive changes. Beating yourself up over the discoveries you’ve made about yourself accomplishes NOTHING. Have a talk with yourself that goes something like this… “Self, you have done some unsavory shit. Although I am disappointed in you, I KNOW you want to change and I am so proud of you!” Ya I get it, that may seem weird, but the conversations we have with ourselves matter. They matter A LOT!! You don’t have to actually have a verbal conversation but you do need to forgive yourself for doing things BEFORE you knew better or had the tools to do better. Think of yourself as a child in this stage, just learning. Would you yell at or punish a child for doing something they didn’t know wasn’t ok?

I absolutely want to make clear that this is a process you will repeat or add to for the REST OF YOUR LIFE. You will drop bad habits just to pick them back up again. You will make radical changes and then find yourself slipping back into old ways. You may even come across situations that have you falling into your old toxic ways which will cause you to reevaluate how to proceed. (Sometimes addictions are situational and we have to make a choice whether to be in those situations any more. This can also be said for gossiping. There are some people who can just suck me into a gossip session and I don’t even realize what happened until afterwards.) What I am saying is the constant need to check in with yourself is ongoing. So please don’t feel defeated when you backslide. Your celebration is in the fact that you noticed the behavior quicker than the last time you tripped up AND you know what you have to do to shut it down.

This is just a very abridged overview of how I owned my toxic traits and habits so I could see what needed to change, what I needed to work on, and what better things could take the place of the undesirable things I was no longer wanting to have in my life. The entire time I was practicing 20 mins of Mindful Meditation each morning and had chose a powerful yoga flow to move stagnant energy. If yoga isn’t your thing I recommend some other type of physical movement because 1) It fights depression 2) It helps move that negativity up and out 3) We need to take care of our Mind, Spirit, AND BODY. Even a brisk walk daily is better than nothing!

I hope this has given some insight on a place to begin in your quest to become better of a person than you were yesterday. You’re starting a lifestyle change so patience is key here. Show yourself grace because this isn’t an easy process but the results are more than worth it! YOU CAN DO THE HARD WORK!!

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