A personal account of mental health management that doesn’t include mind altering meds with undesirable side effects.

I want to begin this specific post by saying if you feel you need to talk to a professional in the mental health field then you by all means should do so! If you aren’t feeling safe from harming yourself, please speak up to a trusted family member, friend, or call the National Suicide Prevention Hotline at 1-800-273-8255. It takes SO MUCH courage to speak about your mental health and to let others know when you are stuck or sinking. You are here reading so I can infer you have had the courage enough to do a search to find some assistance, which is great. For legal purposes I do need to state that I am not giving medical advice. I am just sharing my experiences and how I choose to manage my anxiety disorder using mindfulness along with other techniques that don’t require prescription medication.

It has recently come to my attention after major reflection that I have been living in a state of anxiety since about November of 2020. The 2020/2021 school year was my last after 15 yrs and the opportunity to take early retirement couldn’t have come at a better time. In the first 3 months of in person school, after ending the previous year in lockdown, it was apparent very quickly that this school year brought a set of challenges that many of us were not fully prepared for. As my role in behavior became tougher and tougher I found myself in positions I had never experienced before. Behaviors from kids were escalating quickly with no warning, new teachers had ZERO classroom management skills, parents were not willing to work with us, we had limited quick hour long trainings to help make connections with kids who were not wanting to make connections, students mental health needs trumped staff & gave kids the upper hand in all situations. I had been verbally and physically abused by students, and mentally and emotionally abused by the stand in administration, the Vice Principal. (Our own Principal was on a much deserved sabbatical)

I have broken down the school year as follows… Pretty early in the year I had to take a test due to not feeling well which resulted in us being quarantined for a week waiting for results. While quarantined I specifically stated I was feeling better but was told I could not return until a negative test result came back. I was then lectured when I returned about the time off as if I had control over how long a test result takes to come back. Our children then came down with misc colds which caused missed time from work to care for them. (My husband and I tag teamed who would stay home) Getting a sub was a miracle that rarely happened which is totally beyond my control. I was again lectured due to being in the hole on sick days, as if my own children should know better than to be sick when I can’t be paid for staying home to care for them. I felt at this point I was being told that students wellbeing was more important than my own kids, family, and myself. This is a common thread in most school districts and a totally unfair expectation that is placed on staff.

Each year HR would send out an email offering incentives to make the district aware if you plan to retire or separate in the following 3 yrs. A pay off amount is offered depending on if you plan to leave that year or ones following. During the 2020/2021 school year they enhanced those amounts anticipating dropping numbers in enrollment and the need to dwindle down staff. I took that enhanced early retirement with a smile but kept it to myself. In no way did I want the stand in admin to know of my intentions to leave so she could find reasons to fire me. (Yes, that was a fear and it was very valid. I never understood why she hated me so much but it was obvious to everyone.) I reached out to the actual Principal who would be returning the last few months of school and she fully supported my decision. It was nobody else’s business.

I carried on with the school year, being hit by kids, pulled into classrooms with teachers who couldn’t cope, dealing with situations of home abuse causing school behaviors, attempting to be a parent and staff member to students, and getting ZERO help when I would reach out. At one meeting I was summoned to I was again spoken to about absences. I expressed the decline in my mental health (the assistant principal has a social work degree…), I explained I can’t control when my kids are sick, and brought up that I don’t care if my sick days are gone and I’m not getting paid if I am home. My mental health and kids are more important than a paycheck. I was responded to with threats of having HR in my business and told I could take mental health days but ONLY if I had a sub. I stood up and left the meeting without a word, then avoided any and all contact with that admin for the remaining months of school. (Yes I still called in and no I never had a sub) I walked out the door on the last day of school with the few personal items I was bringing home with the full belief that ALL MY MENTAL HEALTH ISSUES HAD BEEN ERASED! I know that is not how it works logically. Stress and anxiety have to be taken care of because they settle into your muscles. Leaving a situation is a good step, but it isn’t the cure. You have to do the work.

Over the summer I was irritated easily, anxious AF about everything, emotional over the simplest of things, and actively held myself back from jumping forward with my side gig “Mystikal Rootz” by making excuses about logistics of the business side of things that were making it hard to put myself out there. I remember the first time I had intrusive irrational thoughts because it literally made no sense. We were camping at the Big Bend Campground in Moab Utah. We had some expensive tire repairs done to the Jeep and were just relaxing that evening. As we turned in for the night I got stuck mentally in a loop of death & find myself still getting caught up in it as I type. Bedtime hits and my mind fills with worries of “What if I die in my sleep & nobody notices”, “What if Chris dies in his sleep? Can I manage life without my soulmate?”, “Mr Buddy is older even without dog years added, what if he dies and I’m not home. Will he think I didn’t care?”, “What if my son comes across an idiot at the bar and gets shot? Or what if he gets in a car with someone drunk and dies?” The list and thoughts go on and they all surround death. I chalked it up to fear of the “death” of my old job and how comfortable it was working for someone as opposed to the new business I planned to start and just journaled my fears in that manner. Trying to work through the fear I thought I was feeling with little to no resolution.

At night when I would lay down my chest was very heavy. I recognized it at the time as anxiety but somewhere along the line that heavy feeling began to stay throughout the day. At that point I had convinced myself I had a heart issue and instead of ignoring it, I told my husband I wanted to make an appointment and be proactive instead of blowing off things like I usually do. I made that appointment and that very night my heart rate jumped for a resting 54 bpm laying in bed to 154 bpm almost instantly. An ER trip came back clean with info on releasing the Vagus Nerve for anxiety & a referral to a Cardiologist for peace of mind. I added in my annual mammogram because well…What if I was dying of breast cancer right? All tests came back clear, all organs are properly functioning, my breasts are dense causing a 2nd mammogram causing more anxiety, and I am left with the only rational reasoning behind my physical symptoms is my mental health needs a major overhaul!!

Given life circumstances I am currently navigating, this is tricky. What is very frustrating is this all began that 2020/2021 school year and I have held onto it for well over a year. Stress held for that long doesn’t just release because you want it to, it takes hard work, time, and patience. It is also pretty much a given that more things will be coming onto my plate causing more anxiety due to the lack of control I have over certain areas of my life at this time. It is pretty much layer trauma on top of trauma which is complex at the very least to manage. Full disclosure, I have considered seeing a counselor (Who can’t medicate!) just for an outside view on things. I have left this up to the Universe as I have asked a few people for recommendations & they haven’t gotten back to me. While I wait and see how that pans out I turn to the inner knowledge I have. I go back and read blog posts I have personally written to access info that is unavailable in my brain when I am stuck in “Fight or Flight” and my Prefrontal Cortex is unable to think rationally.

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May is Mental Health Awareness Month which makes it even that much more important to write a blog on the subject. There is a wealth of information about anxiety, panic attacks, depression and many more mental health afflictions floating out there right now along with many resources for treatments. It takes a lot of courage to speak up when we aren’t feeling ourselves and the stigma surrounding emotional issues is slowly melting away. I feel it is very important to note that in my experience many of the mental health issues we experience are a by product of something else. I have found that in many cases, depending on the type of provider you see, the first thing that is recommended is a prescription med of some kind. A mood stabilizer, an anti anxiety med, a sleep aide, or other type of pill. I personally (only speaking for myself) have not had good results with such meds. I actually even ended up worse years ago and had psychosis episodes causing me to do dangerous things while sound asleep. I also personally believe that prescriptions are a band aide and not a fix. This is why when speaking to a provider I prefer one who isn’t even able to prescribe medication. I WANT to do the work and get to the root of the problem so it is no longer a problem. I WANT to feel the hard feelings and talk them through in a healthy way. I WANT to get better and get through the issue so I can go on living my best life. For me, thats impossible with meds that block those feelings, cloud your thinking, and in some cases give you horrible side effects that have to be countered with more meds. No thank you!

For me personally, I choose to treat emotional and mental struggles with a more holistic approach. Trauma is a bitch and is always dealt with better with a forward approach, not a temporary fix. See the effects from trauma are something we deal with for our lifetime. Finding ways to cope that can work long term with no side effects makes more sense to me than paying for medication every month. I have come up with a personal care plan for myself and am going to lay it out here for accountability. I then plan to print out a list of tools to have hanging visually for when I am in the middle of a panic attack and unable to think clearly. Some are my go-to tools that you have read about in previous blogs and others are self care or anxiety relieving activities. The number 1 thing I have been repeating to myself is “You have been stressed for over a year. You didn’t cause this feeling but you do need to be patient as you move through it.” I am also fully aware that I am in a situation in my life currently that I have no control over and is adding to the stress that I have been carrying for over a year. That requires active stress relieving techniques along with getting to the emotions carried with me from the 2020/2021 school year. I will add links to external sources in case some of these tools are not familiar to you and welcome questions in the comments if you need further assistance. As I have stated multiple times in many of my blogs, we are walking this journey together and I will always be authentic to where I am. If my current struggle can help one person, I am accomplishing what my intentions are for this space. Lets dig in now shall we?

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My Mental Health Plan:

Meditation: A regular consistent meditation practice will always be my first step. Often in times when I catch myself struggling, I have always fallen off my regular schedule. Meditation for me must be every day, at least 20 mins but preferably 30, first thing in the morning while occasionally sipping my first cup of coffee. The scientifically based studies involving meditation decreasing anxiety and depression symptoms is well established. Many counselors steer clients to the practice of Mindful Meditation and more and more western medical professionals are seeing the full body benefits as well. ***One of many studies can be found here: https://www.uclahealth.org/marc/research#:~:text=Clinical%20evidence%20suggests%20that%20mindfulness,of%20emotions%20and%20social%20preferences. ***I have also written a previous blog on how to make meditation part of your daily routine and that post can be found here: https://mystikalmusings.com/2022/03/06/can-you-meditate/

Revamp my supplements: The only pills I feel comfortable taking for assistance with mental health are my vitamins! I have the staples of Vitamin D3, Magnesium, Vitamin C, Biotin, B12, Fish Oil and sometimes Zinc if germs are floating around. To revamp my dose of supplements I do what is called “Muscle Testing”. This practice works off the idea that YOUR BODY knows what is best for you, you only need to slow down so it can relay that information to you! (Stay with me here…I know this will feel far fetched & I was a skeptic myself. Feel free to get a blood test to see what you are low on but when I went that route, my muscle testing was spot on and didn’t require a needle and wait for results) I have taken Donna Edens Masterclass on energy healing and use her techniques to choose many of the things I put in my body. (Until I’m not because I have slipped off that routine…) Here is a link to an excerpt of her class and I highly suggest you check out all her free material on youtube: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ITfJKqPSecc

Yoga and Movement: It’s not a secret that exercise is one of the number one things that are recommended for anxiety and depression. Increasing your heart rate releases all kinds of feel good endorphins and while you’re focusing on moving your body, you’re not paying attention to the nonsense your brain may be telling you. For me personally, Yoga and the breathing techniques of Pranayama are my preferred exercise. The reason being is that these ancient practices are so much more than a body workout for me. I have released SO MANY emotional issues on my yoga mat and the tears that have cleansed it are unmeasurable. I found a love of yoga through a fast youtube search 6 yrs ago. After pushing play on the first option that came up I became a life long student of the instructor who sees yoga for the WHOLE BODY healer it is. I am a member of her private online space called the Body, Mind, Souls Studio and encourage all to check Allie VanFossen on YouTube for the free classes she provides also. Her channel breaks down classes into easy to understand categories and the comment sections are super helpful. Be on the lookout for studio doors to open 2 times a year if your wanting to dig even deeper in your yoga journey. ***You can find Yoga with Allie’s YouTube channel here: https://www.youtube.com/c/YogawithAllieVanFossen

Journaling/Writing: For me this is a 2 part plan in self managing my mental health. See, journaling has always been an important outlet for me which makes it so easy to go back and read journal entries from others seasons in my life when I felt low or emotionally cracked. As I read and then watch the transition of myself coming out of that darkness, I can see the light easier when I get a reminder from myself that all situations are temporary. Given my current mental health struggle I am using my previous journals to go back to the 2020/2021 school year. I am pin pointing events, recalling conversations, and revealing truths about where I was failed as an employee and where I failed myself in not going above in management. This is a lesson in “Don’t stop asking for help until you have your needs met!” I can’t go back in time but I can spread the word to others who are currently able to handle the public workforce. (For me personally, that isn’t even on the table for the moment. I can however encourage others to learn from my experience) The writing from me currently comes in the form of these blog posts. I am only actively writing in my journal small snippets of feelings, my daily gratitude list, and important life events that although are hard to celebrate now, I want to give them the proper place in my journal. There are many reasons I will get into in later blogs why I am not documenting every moment of life right now. ***I do break down how to jump into journaling in a blog post that you can read here: https://mystikalmusings.com/2022/02/28/journaling/

Emotional Freedom Technique (EFT Tapping): Again, I’m going to ask you to stick with me here as I understand how silly this can feel when you have never heard of such things before. EFT is an amazing way of dealing with everything from current emotions, past trauma, negative mindsets, food sensitivities, all types of pain, depression, anxiety, and so so much more. There is no possible way I can explain it fully in a blog post paragraph but a short description that seems to peak the interest of most people is to think of acupuncture with out the needles. We have meridians and energy pathways all throughout the body. When we tap on those we receive benefits similar to the experiences had with acupuncture. A big difference is you can do this yourself, anywhere, anytime, for anything. No professional needle poker required! Here is a shot video tutorial from Nick Ortner that will give you a great first look into the world of EFT. I implore you to investigate on your own further as there are a multitude of sources and information surrounding this topic. ***The link to get you started is here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=02bN4JFx10Y ***The Tapping Solutions main YouTube page can be found here for further info: https://www.youtube.com/c/TheTappingSolutionChannel ***My friend Chelsea also offers sessions if you prefer a personal connection (or virtual). Her site is here: https://papaya-dinosaur-jayy.squarespace.com/services

Being honest with trusted friends/family: This may seem small but it is actually the largest, scariest, and bravest action I am currently taking. The stigma surrounding mental health has been around for so long that internally we are conditioned with it. It is easy to say “Break the silence” when you aren’t the one experiencing the feelings. It’s humiliating for some to say that they’re not feeling steady and need support. It is one of the ways anxiety and depression attacks you, plays on your weaknesses, and even uses those things we have believed growing up against us. Even when we know them to be untrue. From personal experience, your family and friends will appreciate the heads up on how you’re managing rather than be met with an impromptu full fledged panic attack in the middle of Walmart! Being completely transparent, this is the first time I have been honest from the moment of realization with my support system. Due to that brave act of speaking up, I have a slew of people to call upon if I need to talk or just need someone to sit with me. My husband isn’t needing to take this all on himself so he too can work through any feelings he needs to and not just focus on me. BONUS: Not one person has eluded to me being incapable of helping others due to having personal struggles myself!! Why? Because we are ALL human with human shit that we deal with. To expect a person to be in a 100% perfect mental state 100% of the time is unrealistic. My ex business partner used the emotional state of her instructors against them & claimed that only someone in perfect mental health has the ability to guide others. This is so inaccurate especially seeing that those of us who live the struggle can meet you where you are with our tools much easier than those who have never felt the feelings. It is also a belief that I had to drop in order to feel the courage to speak up to my inner circle. So advise to speak up and don’t stop until you get the support you need!

Reading feel good empowering books: Whether it be an audio book, and e-book, or an old fashioned paperback, knowledge is power and there is plenty of it out there. I love reading or listening to the stories of others who picked themselves up in times of crisis and made drastic changes to better their lives. The wisdom of Louise Hay, Brené Brown, Tara Brach, Tara Mohr, and Tara Swart (My “Tara” trifecta if you will! Lol) have been invaluable in my journey. Personally if I am listening to an audio book I would rather it be read by the actual author because it just feels more personal to me, kinda like a Ted Talk! When I have a hard copy of a book I can rarely lend it out afterwards unless it is to a SUPER close friend. I tend to highlight, fold page corners, make notes, underline, and pretty much treat the book like a study manual! Although I love all the books the above authors have written, I will list links to snag my ultimate favs to give you a starting point: ***Louise Hay (Founder of Hay House Publishing) “You can heal your life” : https://www.hayhouse.com/you-can-heal-your-life-paperback ***Brené Brown “The gifts of imperfection” : (Amazon Link) https://www.amazon.com/Gifts-Imperfection-Think-Supposed-Embrace/dp/159285849X/ref=tmm_pap_swatch_0?_encoding=UTF8&qid=1652997512&sr=1-1 ***Tara Brach PH.D. “Radical Acceptance” & “Radical Compassion” (BOTH Amazing!) **https://www.amazon.com/Radical-Acceptance-Embracing-Heart-Buddha/dp/0553380990/ref=tmm_pap_swatch_0?_encoding=UTF8&qid=1652998542&sr=1-2 **https://www.amazon.com/Radical-Compassion-Learning-Yourself-Practice/dp/0525522832/ref=tmm_pap_swatch_0?_encoding=UTF8&qid=1652998542&sr=1-3 ***Tara Mohr “Playing Big” https://www.amazon.com/Playing-Big-Practical-Wisdom-Create/dp/1592409601/ref=sr_1_1?crid=DYDHM8TNIMSY&keywords=tara+mohr&qid=1652999075&s=books&sprefix=Tara+Mohr%2Cstripbooks%2C150&sr=1-1 ***Tara Swart MD. PhD “The Source” https://www.amazon.com/Source-Secrets-Universe-Science-Brain/dp/0062935747/ref=tmm_pap_swatch_0?_encoding=UTF8&qid=1652999423&sr=1-1 (Some of these authors have multiple publications and I have read many of their other books. The ones I have listed are just scratching the surface. If you have some favs of your own please drop them in the comments! We are walking together on this journey & I’d love to check out your favs!)

Showing up for the day : So my mom always said if you look better you will feel better. I’m not sure I completely buy into that fully but I can see where this makes some sense. When I get out of my pajamas, put on clothes, do something with my hair and makeup & look a little more human, I feel a little more human. For a week now I have been putting this into place and feeling more productive, even if nobody besides my dog and husband see me. It is an act of self care that is easily ignored when you have little to no reason to be in public so technically, who are you putting that effort in for? FOR YOU SILLY GOOSE!! When you walk by a mirror and catch a glimpse of yourself you won’t cringe, your self esteem isn’t taking a hit, and you feel more prepared to take on whatever the day may hand you.

Nature Therapy : The healing benefits of being in nature have been studied to death. Being out in the sunshine provides our bodies with Vitamin D which is huge in fighting seasonal depression and many other mental health afflictions. Stanford has studied links between mental health and spending time in nature. Here is the link and it is very interesting: (https://news.stanford.edu/2015/06/30/hiking-mental-health-063015/) There has also been studies and research showing that you don’t have to go into the mountains, countryside, or lake to get these “nature” highs. The simple act of being outside, noticing or touching something living (like a tree) or hearing wildlife (such as a bird) has its benefits also! All the “green space” created in big cities full of concrete and pavement are being built for this specific purpose! An article published with the University of British Columbia highlights the research behind what exactly does it mean when we say “nature”. (https://news.ok.ubc.ca/2017/11/02/science-confirms-you-should-stop-and-smell-the-roses/) This proves that even if your in a big city, you too can improve your mental health with a walk outside. Personally, I’m planning a hike with a friend I know I can be authentic with and going to get emotions out on a dirt trail while hugging some trees which is also proven to bring a sense of balance! The University of California, Berkeley lays it all out for you in this link: https://greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/why_trees_can_make_you_happier, so go hug a tree!

Max Self Care! : I preach it, I yell it from the roof tops, my friends get sick of me saying it, yet I have fucked it off in ways I am embarrassed to admit. My self care has been nonexistent except for the rare occasions that I just can’t stand to be in my body so I do something to make it a more comfortable experience. I have had limited time with friends or doing hobbies I enjoy, I did my first face mask in months the other day and the whole process felt foreign, I had been frustrated with my hair until recently which made it easy to just throw it in a messy bun or pony tail, my nutrition has been fairly good but that because I don’t feel like being in the ER with digestive things and worrying how that bill will get paid. (That being said, stress has taken my weight down to 91 lbs and I usually hover around 100 to 105. I don’t have weight I can afford to loose! Muscle weighs more than fat so Yoga and movement will help me get back to a healthy weight!) I plan to go back to a routine of a nightly face wash and all the feel good face products, long hot detox showers, herbal tea at night to relax, more time with friends and doing things that make me happy. I have begun cleaning my space to help clear my head by clearing physical clutter. I will also be going to my previous post where I initially admitted to dropping the ball on self care for all the things I know but have limited access to in my brain right now. If you want to refer to that post also here is the link for that: https://mystikalmusings.com/2022/04/03/self-love-and-care/

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There you have it! My personal plan of attack to mindfully manage my anxiety and panic attacks. I am not writing off seeing a counselor for an outside view on things as long as they are onboard with my NO PILLS rule. I believe that magic happens when western medicine melts in with eastern medicine but it takes the right provider to make that magic happen. You never hear of anyone being cured of mental health disorders because in general, western medicine is designed to keep us sick and need continued care. That is mostly due to always treating what the surface issue is but never getting to the root of the problem. Those surface issues are usually treated with with meds that cause further issues requiring more visits and the root issue gets buried in the process. It is my experience this also happens in psychology and I am just not willing to wait years to face my shit and fix my damn self!! I didn’t ask for my previous trauma or the trauma I am currently living through but I am fully prepared to dig into the mud and bloom like a lotus sooner than later. If a counselor is willing to jump in full force with me and be willing to have me question their methods if they don’t align, then I am here for that!!

If you have read this entire blog I am humbled by you spending your time an energy reading my words and thoughts. It’s not easy to admit when you need help and your mental health is in question. Doing that on a public forum is huge and just typing this out, laying out my plan of action, and speaking my truth has been so freeing in itself. Again, I always have the hope that my words will resonate with others and my experience will help someone else on their journey. I am totally open to any and all suggestions from readers also and ask you to please drop them in the comments! As I always state, we are walking this human experience together and nobody is better than anyone else. If anything you have read made an impact or difference I also ask you to share that also! I rarely know if I help someone and having that feedback just fills your soul. Thank you again for using your energy for me. Please consider subscribing below to see me in your inbox and donate if you feel inclined. Subscriptions & donations help grow blogs and it is still my full intention to help support my family in this modality. Share, subscribe, comment, donate, and show support in all ways you are comfortable! Until Next time, take care of you!!