Hi there, it’s been awhile. I think it’s time you heard some things so I am putting them here, just incase either of us needs to read them in the future…

Kristie,

Wow girl, you have been through some stuff huh? You sure were strong even as a little girl with no tools to help you cope. I often look back at you and think how lucky kids are these days to be taught some skills in school to help them deal with their emotions. Mom tried but she too was going through chaos of her own. Having a Daddy that put his beer in front of most things made for a sometimes volatile home life. But you accepted loud yelling and objects flying through the air as a type of normal and held onto the fun times as your childhood memories. You used your boombox to drown out things kids shouldn’t hear their parents say to each other, all while understanding that those words would eventually kill any love they had left between them. You also did your best when that understanding became reality and stayed strong while a lawyer attempted to make you at fault. The day you took a walk and told your dad exactly where your boundaries were was a day of bravery before “boundaries” was even a buzz word.

High School was hard. It seemed so many of your friends had found their place and you were just kinda floating. It was a weird time where you felt pressure to be a certain way, listen to certain things, wear certain clothes, and actual grades were the last thing you thought about. Going to college and doing life the conventional way was never in your sights. You used school for the social aspect because you lived 35 miles away from civilization. It wasn’t the wisest choice but we both know, you never pictured yourself with a diploma from your High School. When you were raped and unable to attend school due to threats and adults unwilling to protect you, you did what you needed to and asked mom to drop you from school. It was your first big moment of seeing disappointment on moms face. Not because she was dropping you from school, but because you had given up. You tried to give everything up a few times and the Universe just wasn’t going to let you. Circumstances kept you from taking a life that I now am living. I am grateful for those dark times now as I am better equipped to handle those feelings when they resurface at times. Intrusive thoughts no longer have the power.

The next few years were spent couch hopping from one friends place to another, moving home a bunch of times, and a practice marriage that lasted a year and 2 months. During this time you had a belief that sex equalled love and couldn’t understand why when you gave yourself to someone, they would be gone a short time later. I still try to figure out where you got that mindset and can only nail it down to the romance novels you read at the time. Every other woman you knew was reading them and they really did make it seem as if women have all this power over men, as long as they were giving themselves to them. I have thought about this because you gained quite a reputation that will sometimes popped up in your small town all these years later. People hold the past against you in smaller towns sadly. I applaud you for the strength you have had when others approached you in a way as if you’re the same exact person you were 25 yrs ago. You had so much grace as you said the words “Are you talking about things from when we were kids? That’s old news! I am a woman and have evolved, I hope one day you do the same.” You have had to say things like that a lot as people thought they were approaching a previous version of you. I am proud of your evolution and your pride.

By the time you hit your 20th year you had yourself convinced you needed rescued. You put yourself in situations that warranted rescuing. You were unable and unwilling to learn to do the hard work on yourself. Therapists were the enemy at this point and you were literally just surviving however you managed. You were then rescued from yourself into a marriage for 20 years, that landed you in the position of needing to rescuing yourself. See, you’re the version I am indifferent about. There were so many versions in this time I got lost. We got lost. You had to be multiple people depending on who was around you. None of them were authentically you until the end of this time frame. I often say if you met me in that 20 yrs you need to let me reintroduce myself.

I thank all the versions in that 20 yrs because we learned so much. You became a mom and a nurturing person. You softened and grew out of the rebel teenage attitude that had served you well to survive. You learned what not to do as a woman to other women and instead went against the norm by building women up. Seeing so many women backstab friends and gossip in hurtful ways has caused you to be guarded when it comes to female friendships. You have had multiple seasons with many different women and I am grateful for each one and the purpose they served. You learned you must model for others how you expect to be treated by the way you respect yourself. You began to use firm boundaries that helped others also learn to set boundaries. You began to truly SEE your worth and after you lost your mom to cancer, you were unable to accept a life that you had zero say in. You made your first REAL INDEPENDENT WOMAN decision and left abuse to live on your own for the very first time at 40 yrs old. That was so brave of you! We wouldn’t be where we are now if you hadn’t had the courage to say “No more, never again!” Then the next scary act of accepting love into your life again…real love that you didn’t understand at first but was willing to learn.

Tonight I sit in the Northern Desert of Arizona, across from the man of my dreams, in our home which happens to be on wheels. I have been questioned about jumping into this lifestyle and I haven’t had a bid need to explain. I think about all the things you went through, we went through, to get to that mindset. It was a 46 year progression but I/We are finally at a place in life where approval isn’t needed, explanations are wasting energy, & living a life that we don’t want to escape from is priority. It took many people to guide us to exactly where we are but YOU did the work to become ME! I hold dear every lesson, struggle, mishap, heartbreak, total fuck up, and full on chaotic situation that led to this exact moment I am in. Thank you for not giving up. Thank you for this life I live. Thank you for growing and maturing (kinda) into US!

Love Always & Forever,

Kristie

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