As an Intuitive Coach I have a STRONG PASSION to help others, yet had always felt pressured to give myself away for free. I have recently learned this does more harm than good. I no longer “feel sorry” for those who CHOOSE not to pay for my skills & services, and have directed my energy towards those willing to invest in themselves instead. Building on this thinking, I also wonder how many everyday people are also being drained by those who have no desire to invest in themselves. Let’s set some boundaries, shall we?

I recently paid for an online coaching class. Yep! I am ALWAYS learning and I am ALWAYS investing in myself, my tools, my skills, and my knowledge. In this class came some big epiphanies that have led me to establish some firm boundaries. Not to be a bitch, quite the contrary! These boundaries are to make sure the people who come to me are able to get the guidance they deserve, not some little snippet of something that really makes no impact. I want to help others in the fullest capacity and when I have people coming to me wanting “free”, I find myself giving little energy to the need at hand because I am not certain they are even retaining what I say or explain. I base this off of prior experience of some coming to me time and time again about the same topic that THEY have taken no action on. But why? Why would you NEED advice or guidance but then NOT take it or do anything to change things for that matter? Last week, I got the answer.

Buy in… When people invest in themselves by paying a coach or guide, they are more likely to follow up with action. They will then see that they DO have the power to change themselves, and in turn their circumstances, because most people are not going to pay you hard earned money to just ignore what guidance you gave them. After all, they had the choice to walk away when you gave them rates and prices and CHOSE not to. These are the people who want REAL help. These are the people that make my soul sing when I see them doing the work and busting goals. These are the people who are digging deeper into why they get stuck in patterns they do and make conscious efforts to break cycles. These are the people who have their favorite card deck for me to do readings with them because they have returned each month or 3 and have a relationship with me and my decks. These are the people who are ready for change and I am ready to help them get it!

See, chasing people has always felt gross to me. I refused to do so and believed the right people would find themselves to me with little or no advertising. On a whim, I decided now that I am fully virtual on my services living off grid, maybe some ladies who I know value my guidance would be willing to join a paid membership group and get more one on one attention from me. My notifications blew up and The Koffee Korner was formed. ALL the things my coach from the last week said about clients who invest in themselves is evident in my group. These ladies are digging deep, asking and answering hard questions, reflecting on the loops they are stuck in and even supporting each other when I fell ill for days! They are proof that what my coach said is true and giving yourself away for free is actually doing nobody any good. I don’t see or hear reports of my free content doing this. I have actually had someone ask me for advice on a subject on the very same day I posted the advice they needed. This also confirms what I have learned.

See, I LOVE helping others. I have stated many times in many blogs here that I don’t believe I have went through the situations I have purely for my growth. I was meant to take my knowledge and help others navigate similar circumstances. It’s my passion and dream to help others through my services and this blog. In order for that to truly take shape, there needs to be some balance. I have written countless social media posts and blog posts full of useful information that is available to others absolutely no charge. It’s time to TRULY invest my time and skills into those who choose to invest in themselves to actually create change. This is the area that has been lacking due to the before mentioned “feeling sorry” for others. This is where the balance is off. This is why I have people coming to me for same issue over and over again, while I give the same advice over and over again, yet nothing ever changes…they aren’t doing the work!

My coach said that many that are on the journey to help others manage life in a healthier way find themselves in these situations. In the long run, this leads to major frustration. You begin to question if you really were meant to help others because you’re not seeing change in those who just pop in and out of your life with the same issues. I now understand that those are not the people I am meant to help. I understand that I am actually doing harm to them AND myself by continuing to exert energy there. I now know that each time I repeat the same advice for the millionth time, it isn’t even being retained or planned to be taken. I also know that this has nothing to do with my abilities and everything to do with their lack of commitment.

Taking everything above into consideration, I think about us humans in general. Not just those who coach or guide but your everyday person. We all have those people who it seems are always having some kind of trouble, situation, and even bad relationships that follow a pattern of them running to you for help. You give your thoughts, spend your time, maybe dry some tears, and possibly go all out in a dangerous situation to help them get away. Then days, weeks, or a couple of months later, there they are right back where they were. I spoke about this in a previous blog about not fixing others because it is their job to fix themselves. What I didn’t cover is what that does to YOU. Energetically, these types of people are draining the fuck out of you! Whether they are friends or family is irrelevant because they will continue to follow the same patterns and you will continue to be drained. This is where you bring in those boundaries.

Just as I will be directing others towards my services, you can direct others to professionals who get a paycheck to do what you have done & are sick of doing. (It is TOTALLY OK to be sick and tired of helping those who won’t help themselves!! Feel NO GUILT about this!! You put in time and energy for them while they have done nothing. Passing that work onto a pro and letting that person know your OUT is the most helpful thing you can do!) For instance… ***Consistent Abusive Relationship: Refer to a self help center, police department, or counselor. ***Mental Health issues: Refer to a counselor, family Dr, or even a support group. ***Problems with their kids: Refer them to their child’s school counselor, refer them to check into family services for possible facilities for their kid to get intense help. In almost EVERY SITUATION I can think of being bombarded with on an evolving basis, someone is earning a living who is qualified to help.

You will get push back. You will hear “I can’t afford it”. You will have them back trying harder. You will have to be firm. That is what boundaries are all about. The push back comes because they are so use to having you to drain. The “I can’t afford it” is easily called out because anyone wanting REAL HELP will find the money. (They really will! I have seen “broke” people REALLY WANT a new pair of boots and come up with $200 out of the damn blue…you have seen things similar. Yet the week before you were told how broke they were, or a week later they are using those shoes as an excuse for being unable to afford help.) We MUST stop letting others drain us in this way!

Lastly, if this post triggers you or makes you feel called out, I want you to think about the “why” in that. Why are you unwilling to remove yourself from toxic patterns in relationships? Why are you staying at a job you’re constantly needing to vent about? Why are you letting your kids behavior rule your life? Why are you not taking care of your body? Why are you stuck in depression and anxiety? Why are you better than the countless numbers of people who are going to professionals they pay for help? Why do you refuse to take the advice numerous friends give you? Why do you jump back into chaos when someone just saved you from it? Why are you afraid to fix yourself and heal? Why are you comfortable being a victim and bitching when you could be a survivor by putting in some effort? These are only questions you can answer, and honestly, I hope you actually give this some very deep thought. Your “buy in” is probably minimum or zero so you just continue doing what you have always done. Right here, right now, I am telling you that is so very hurtful to yourself AND those you drain. It is time to take responsibility and heal to grow. I have no problems being this blunt with you because I WAS YOU! I will never call another out on bullshit I haven’t called myself out on to get to where I am today. It is your turn to do the same!

In the grand scheme of things, nothing in life is actually free. It costs somebody something whether it is their time, energy, effort, or money. Often times the ones who “pay” are not the ones who should be. If you are someone who is often feeling sorry for others and then feeling put out or not appreciated due to the unwillingness of others to take your advice, it is your job to put up those boundaries and stop giving yourself away for free. Your time is valuable, it is ok to say no more. If you are a guide or coach who has people always hitting you up for free services because they feel it appropriate because your friends, direct them to invest in themselves and remind them you’re running a business. You spent money to learn your knowledge, it’s only fair it be paid for. If you are someone who finds themselves seeking advice on the same situation time and time again, and beginning to tire of that cycle yourself, consider investing and having some buy-in from a professional suited to help you with your needs. The only way you will truly get past patterns you get stuck in is to do the work and find out why you’re stuck.

***As my husband and I live our full time RV life, we use donations and money earned from his photography and my holistic services to help support the community we are closest to. This includes farmers markets, independent businesses, and local folks selling their stuff. If you feel moved to do so, please consider donating to this blog as a positive exchange of energy for the time I put into my content. Also check out my services page for more information on what I provide virtually and shoot a message to me with any questions or info!

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