One of my most popular posts is about perceptions and how dangerously close to judgements they can be. But what if YOU are responsible for the incorrect judgements others make?

This has been about a 2 year thinking process. A deep look at my true authentic personality, paying close attention to peoples behaviors when dealing with me, feeling the vibes of energy they feel in my presence, feeling how those vibes sit with me, stifling some character traits at certain times, and even finding how a 5 month long bullshit situation totally shut me down last year but made me feel more like an “adult” than I had maybe ever felt. My vibes are not off. My intuition is spot fucking on. I have some evolving to do…it’s time to grow up!

See, I’m whimsical and my head is usually in the stars. I find total and complete joy in the smallest of things and appreciate to a huge degree when someone does something kind, random, or out of their way for me. YOU will for sure feel my love and gratitude in WAY extra emotional expressions of pure happiness and joy. At times I convince myself that people give or send these special gifts or recognize my efforts in certain ways only to be entertained by my reactions. I then feel ridiculous and not in a good way. That feels like a self defeatist opinion so I try not to live there and just tell myself, “Express how you feel in an authentic way regardless of how embarrassed you may feel about it later.” The thing is, that doesn’t always work. Looking back on something and feeling embarrassed means it was a reaction or in the moment emotion. A regret if you will. Meaning, my EXTRA ridiculousness is just that… Ridiculous! Like “Your 47 and scream when you see a Unicorn?? That was cute once but how old are you?”

Over the last 2 yrs REALLY paying attention and reflection on the past year specifically, I feel some transformations, evolutions, and growing coming on and it is feeling overdue. See, I am now in a position of guiding, mentoring, and leading women. My words are listened to, soaked in, and taken to heart. At the same time, how can others truly take someone seriously who’s emotional maturity at times in level with a 7 yr old or a 17 yr old. (See, I will ABSOLUTELY dive into myself and get real. That last sentence IS NOT cutting myself down, it’s straight up fact!). Something happened when I turned 47 in Arizona, the state I chose to be born in. Something settled after not having a Birthday here since I was 2. Something shifted and I keep going back to December, when that day came and went while I pouted about the snowy Wyoming weather following us. I am aware of how I am perceived and it is dead fucking WRONG! I also have nobody to blame but myself.

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Healing calls for evolving…

I have done some super deep healing the past 2 years which is why there was all that refection. I’ve healed places from childhood, teen years, and choices made in late teens/early 20’s. I’ve grieved the passing of my mom who was also my best friend/mentor, that I was unable to grieve in 2009. Ive forgiven my ex husband, came to understandings why my dad couldn’t live a life of sobriety, and cut ties with toxic friendships, situations, work spaces, and systems. One thing I KNOW for a fact is I have grown leaps and bounds emotionally, intellectually, spiritually, and mentally. The feeling of discomfort I’ve had more frequently as time goes on, comes from how I physically and verbally show up in a situation. THAT does not reflect all the hard work I have put in. That is what is calling to evolve.

I frequently do a guided meditation by Tara Mohr from her book “Playing Big”. (Tap the title for an Amazon link…no affiliation, just love the book!) This meditation called the “Inner Mentor Meditation” connects you to your future self or your inner wise woman. I am not usually one that can EVER visualize in meditations! (Says the woman with Clairvoyance!! Like WTF! Lol). Not the case with this one and I know EXACTLY who the fuck I am becoming! We have had intuitive conversations during seriously rough times where I asked “What did you do when you went through this?” and gotten advice from my future self, my inner wise woman. This works on the basis that the answers we seek to life’s bullshit is within ourselves, not in others. I have never once been steered wrong by listening to her.

After the meditation section of that book Tara directs you to begin small steps towards your future self. Start drinking the beverage she offered you if you don’t already (Mine was Cacao and I now drink it). What if you bought one piece of furniture that resembles her style if that stood out to you. How is she dressed? Can you start implementing small pieces of clothing into your personal style? Where does she live? What did the landscape look like? Was it near to where you are now or farther away in unfamiliar terrain? Having been able to actually visualize all these things I quickly started to do the little things starting with that Cacao. We already dressed similar only she was less athletic all the time, more romantic hippy flowy fabrics seemed to be her vibe but I wasn’t there yet. (The last year slowly changed that) She lived nowhere near me but also said I would have some stops before I got “there”.

She was so wise, so calm, so grounded, the embodiment of a Holistic/Metaphysical guide with Astrologer vibes. She takes no shit, sees herself, knows her worth, speaks her mind, and is seen as a guide and mentor. Someone who’s knowledge is valued and helps others in all ways. She was a balance of eccentric & serious, sparkle & quiet joy, excitement & calm gratitude. She is poised & well spoken, carefully thinking about the energy she gives to the words she relays. She became this way from healing things that caused anxious rambling and interrupting. She still holds dear the little girl who’s daddy bought her a Unicorn and told her she was one. She just emits her uniqueness now through her gifts, tools, studies, honed skills, lessons passed from ancestors and passion for the planets & stars. She doesn’t need to scream or go overboard when she sees a Unicorn as she did as a 7 yr old. That little girl is healed now. She wears clothes that are comfortable and works out for her mental, emotional, and physical health. She rarely tries to cover the “thinking lines” she sees on her face as all those thoughts became actions that got her exactly where she is, a wise woman, not a 17 yr old chasing the next beauty trend. That 17 yr old is now healed. She is healed. I am healed!

To many of my readers and subscribers, some of this won’t make much sense because you have not been in personal contact with me. If you are a woman of maturity who has suffered trauma that has kept you stuck this may resonate. If your a woman over 40 you may have naturally come to peace with your body, calmer in spirit, and more intentional with words and actions as you’ve moved forward in age. I am so honored to join your tribe. Many of the characteristics of my Inner Mentor have come easily after reflection and I will rather quickly embrace more as they have been pushing some time but I was resisting change. I recently called myself out, that this is actually resisting GROWTH. I’m excited in the most grounded way to see where this levels up my life. I am a hippy, I live in an RV, I am a healer, card reader, mentor of women, and astrologer. My gifts, talents and skills will only grow from the maturity that I am embracing which will then ensure more women can be helped by my wisdom. Yes, wisdom…(Deep Breath) I am ready to be a woman.

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I have already begun to grieve and let pieces of that expired version of me fall away. As I read this to my husband I felt sadness coming from him thinking things were falling away that he really enjoys about me. I am sure others may feel things similar and that’s ok. I fully understand the entertainment factor of some of my antics and I do have moments that I don’t feel embarrassed about things later. I just can’t and won’t hold back transformation because others want entertainment or the same girl they are use to. Dance parties move my body, help relieve stress, and get that throat chakra activated. Car concerts never can go away, that is in my DNA! There were many questions from my husband believing this came from something or how someone treated me. I then reminded him how just over a year ago I told him I didn’t feel like an adult at all and was sick of others even treating me like a simple minded child. He watches me journal, he sees me do the hard work healing, and has suffered my emotional meltdowns in the process. He didn’t know I had been heavy into inner child healing and shadow work for this particular reason tho. It all made sense to him then. (And he hugged me as I cried because letting go of a version of yourself is hard)

Today could be claimed as my rain check birthday I didn’t get due to weather because this feels like a rebirth. The thing is, I am not even interested in having that replacement birthday. I think I got a lot more than I realized that day and the days that have followed and energetically, I was gifted more than a material item or a road trip that takes money could ever give me. This will affect nothing about this blog as you all see the intelligent, knowledgable, sometimes thug talking woman I am at my core. I look forward to this “in person” transformation to even hone my gifts and inspiration more here! (If you have noticed I’ve been absent while healing). I hope you continue to follow because as I have said numerous times, my passion is to help through my experiences and guidance. This post is another experience.

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As always, thank you so much for landing here and giving your energy to my words, thoughts, and musings. As my husband and I live our full time RV life, we use donations & money earned from his photography and my holistic services to help support the community we are closest to. This includes farmers markets, independent businesses, Propane sales, and local folks selling their stuff. Even $5 makes a difference & is very appreciated! If you feel moved to do so, please consider donating to this blog as a positive exchange of energy for the time I put into my content. You can use the donation button below.

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